CRAZY
by Eileen Myles
Copyright © 1995 by Eileen Myles, from Maxfield Parrish/Early and New Poems
(Black Sparrow Press), reprinted by permission of the author.

As a result of my time
spent in nature ­ the purpling
sky, the soap-colored sage
the silver scar of the river
across the land, a hairy-backed
island pushing out, into the water
and of course the bushy grey clouds
among which wiggles a tiny
white light, one star, or
worse a UFO to change
these depths to spectacleŠ

As a result of my time spent
in nature, and everything
changes in a minute or so,
add a day & everything's different
a sky scraped clean of clouds
and nearly lilac over
hills that used to be red.
So my legs are crossed
on the perfect rock
having run home fast to
get this pen, looking out on
a different night,
duller, but I know that
river now. Having been
all wet & covered with mud
but I crossed it, and
thought that would solve
my problem. It has,
sort of. I became
a follower of children,
their walks that get
you lost & dizzy.
I read fat & stupid
novels, became the
hero, usually male, & changed
my life like that. But
now these birds are laughing
at me & I only pass through
states I once wrote for
catalogues from, hoping
Montana or Wisconsin
could make me me which
40 years of life haven't
done, but one of those
degrees could've, one of those
life-long student loans
instead of my endless
New York debt, for trips
and meals. I was only
trying to please you. Like
the star in the sky I'm
completely alone. And only
a fool is alone in nature,
the thing I think I
was trying to buy, me
then in a funny hat,
being different, faraway.